The Negative Impact Of Excusing Bad Behavior

It has been awhile since I have blogged on a serious subject. It is more fun to do crafts, cooking, organizing, fashion etc. However, several recent situations that I have been forced to grapple with have inspired me to tackle a tough one this morning. I think it is important to remind and maybe share with people the emotional damage that constantly excusing bad behavior and making excuses for it can cause for everyone involved, the people who are hurt by the behavior and even the person who constantly exhibits the poor behavior. When someone constantly makes excuses for somebody’s poor behavior, they are doing so at the expense of the the person who was impacted by the behavior. They are clearly taking a side and it is not the side of the person who was hurt. It can tell the person who was hurt everything they need to know.

Somewhere along the way, we have become so focused on trying to understand why people behave badly that we have stopped acknowledging the damage that they leave in their wake. We hear things like, “they’re stressed”, “they are going through a lot”,” that is just how they are”, and my personal favorite, “just let it go”. While some of those things may very well be true, they do not erase the hurt caused by rude, selfish, dismissive, chaotic, ungrateful, hateful and disrespectful behavior. While those phrases, or as I see it, excuses may sound harmless, they send a very strong message to the person who was hurt. They say that your feelings do not matter near as much as keeping the peace, not throwing gasoline on the fire or doing anything to upset the person causing the issues. The person causing the problems seemingly never faces any pressure to make changes or as I like to say, smarten up! I have to ask the very obvious question….what the hell happened to accountability??? I don’t think that protecting people from accountability is kindness. I think that holding people accountable for their behavior is necessary. It is how people grow, it’s how relationships improve and it is how respect is maintained.

What can hurt more than the rude behavior itself is watching someone you love and trust to protect you and your feelings rush in to defend it. When people constantly make excuses for bad behavior, the focus shifts away from the person who was hurt and onto the person who did the hurting. The message is crystal clear, your pain is less important than keeping this other person comfortable. And, here is the kicker…YOUR FEELINGS ARE LESS IMPORTANT THAN AVOIDING CONFLICT! It is so much more important to keep the person causing the hurt comfortable and never holding them accountable for their behavior, because the hard truth is, that makes life so much easier for the excuse maker. I call BS!!!

If someone has had a difficult past, if they are dealing with anxiety, disappointment, grief or stress, I can certainly have empathy for them. Life can be hard. But we all carry something. Most of us could come up with an excuse to behave badly. The difference is that we don’t all use those reasons as permission or an excuse to treat others poorly. I truly believe we can have compassion for somebody else’s struggles without pretending that their behavior is acceptable. Real compassion does not require us to ignore the reality of someone else’s behavior. What really bothers me is that the person being hurt is expected to be patient, be understanding, be the bigger person and keep the peace while the person causing the problems is never called to task or held accountable. Understanding someone’s pain and tolerating their behavior are not the same thing. Somewhere along the line, some people have started confusing the two. And what a shame that is for all the people and the relationships involved.

As I get older, I have become much less interested in keeping the peace at any cost and more interested in protecting my own peace. Lord knows I have earned that throughout many difficult situations in my life. It does not mean being unkind, it means that I don’t have to volunteer to be anybody else’s emotional punching bag simply because some people think I should accept the bad behavior thrust upon me. It would be much easier for the excuse makers if I would do that, but simply put, I am NOT down to do that! I have way too much respect for myself for that! Because, here’s the truth, people who are hurt by bad behavior deserve understanding too!

I think that maybe it is time that we stop asking good people to tolerate more and start asking difficult people to do better!! That is not harsh. That is fair!!