Relationship & Marriage Lessons I Learned The Hard Way: Mistakes I Won’t Make Again

Love, marriage and relationships in general can be messy, confusing, painful, complicated and quite possibly the best things ever when done right, with the right person. I have experienced love, passion, deep disappointment and heartbreak. I have learned lessons I wish someone would have taught me sooner, but like most everyone, I probably wouldn’t have listened. Unfortunately some things you need to see and learn for yourself. The realization of some of these lessons came to me quietly and without much drama while others hit like a speeding freight train. They all taught me something valuable.

As I sit here today recalling the mistakes I made and the lessons I learned from past painful relationships and broken marriages, I can honestly say that I don’t regret any of them. Each one taught me something I couldn’t have learned any other way, helped me grow as a person and brought my children and grandchildren into my life. While I would never choose to re-live the pain, I will never forget what it taught me. Of course, I made mistakes, I put up with things that I absolutely should not have put up with, I ignored red flags, gave way too many chances and ultimately lost myself in the process. Those experiences shaped who I am today. Those experiences shaped my expectations. I learned what love should and should not look and feel like. I am grateful for my experiences because I now have strength, clarity, high standards, confidence and a sense of self worth that I did not previously possess.

Here are some of the mistakes I made & will not make again & what they taught me.

I will never again think that I can change someone or think someone will change for me if they just love me enough. If there are things you don’t want to put up with before marriage or before a relationship becomes serious, trust me a commitment will not make anything better. Generally speaking, people rarely change in any meaningful way. You need to be able to accept your partner for who they are and take the good with the bad before you allow things to become more serious. If there are non-negotiables, you need to re-think your relationship. Serious commitment or marriage doesn’t transform people, it only reveals them more clearly!

I would never again stay in a bad situation “for the sake of the kids”. This is a controversial one I know, but believe me, kids and young adults are very intuitive creatures. You are not doing them any favors by raising them in an unhappy home. They know things are not as they should be and this only adds another layer of stress to their lives. Kids have so many pressures now with the internet and all it brings along with every other aspect of growing up in this sometimes unhinged complicated world. They need rock solid stability at home and if that means a single parent household or two where the parents are happy, well adjusted and better prepared to focus on them then so be it. I will always be sorry I stayed in my unhappy situations as long as I did, it is my biggest regret I have when it comes to raising my children. Remember, you are modeling what a relationship or marriage should look like to your kids. They are paying attention! If you are not living in a situation that you would want them to live in, you need to make a change. They matter and you matter too!

I would never again stay in a bad situation for the wrong reasons. The number one reason people stay in bad relationships is because they are afraid that they can’t do any better or they are afraid to be alone. Being alone is not the same thing as being lonely. Sometimes the loneliest place in the world is being stuck in a relationship with the wrong person. Staying in a relationship out of fear is not something you should ever do. Life is far too short. For far too long I stayed in situations that didn’t serve me out of fear of facing nights alone, dinners for 1 or weekends without plans. You deserve so much more than that. I spent a season of my life being alone and it was one of the best things I have ever done. I focused on myself and what I wanted, learned things about myself and experienced so much personal growth. I was happy and enjoyed my own company. I learned that I wouldn’t be alone if I didn’t want to be and I learned that I could do better! I wouldn’t trade that time for anything! It prepared me to be able to know my worth and grow and nurture a new relationship when the time was right! No regrets here!

I will never again be the only adult in the relationship. I will never again be with somebody who cannot or will not help make decisions, help provide financial security, or who refuses to participate in any way in all the day to day decisions, planning and activities that are required to run a household and raise a family. If you are experiencing that type of dynamic with your significant other, you simply have an additional child and I don’t know anybody who wants to sign up for that. Love is not supposed to feel like parenting, it is not your job to fix someone who refuses to grow up and behave like an adult. Adult love requires two grown people who are both willing to show up and do the work!

I will never again make the mistake of ignoring red flags just because I wanted my happily ever after. I will never again cover up who my partner is or how he behaves privately just to maintain the façade of a happy relationship. I saw signs of unacceptable behavior and I certainly have had my fair share of gut instincts. I initially ignored these things hoping that my partner would make the necessary changes or that if I loved them enough, I could somehow re-write our reality. This is an exercise in futility. If your partner is clearly letting you know who they are, you need to believe them, you need to listen to them and you need to do what needs to be done too protect your peace at all costs. Sadly, this generally means making a change.

I will never again accept apologies without changed behavior. Saying “I am sorry” is easy but if it is not said in conjunction with changed behavior then they are simply hollow words with no real meaning or a sincere apology behind them. We all make mistakes in our relationships and we do need to give each other grace and forgiveness in most situations but when there is constant detrimental behavior and meaningless apologies you need to understand that they are not sorry and have no intention whatsoever of changing their behavior. You need to decide whether or not you can live with it.

Every mistake I have made in the pursuit of love has taught me lessons and left scars. Every mistake has also given me messages that are loud and clear and I have chosen to learn from them. I cannot undo the past (nor would I) but I can and do move forward with what I have learned. I have learned to love myself more and make decisions that are right for me, I have learned to listen to people when they tell me who they are, I have learned to choose better and to never ever settle for less than I deserve. I have learned to choose truth, authenticity and ultimately…LOVE.

❤❤❤ This post is lovingly dedicated to Mr. Hovland, who showed me who he was ❤❤❤