Maybe You Don’t Need To Get Over It! Honoring Yourself While Moving Forward

We live in a world obsessed with “getting over it”. Whether it is a loss, heartbreak, trauma or a failure, society in general, those around us and our loved ones insist the we need to just “get over it.” Telling us that repeatedly does not help by the way. They may very well mean well, but, the reality is, it is not something you can do just because somebody else thinks that’s what you need to do. Maybe getting over it is not something that you feel honors you, your feelings or what you have been through. Maybe moving forward doesn’t require, forgetting, forgiving or even fully resolving what hurt us. Maybe you don’t actually need to get over it. Maybe you need to honor your feelings and what you have been through and acknowledge how it may have shaped you and changed you.

Let’s break this down a little and examine the four main aspects of this topic. How it may have changed you, reasons you may not want or need to forget, reasons you may not want or need to forgive and, in the end, resolving the situation in a way that honors you and your feelings without “getting over it”

How A Loss You Choose Not To Get Over (and it is a choice, controversial, but a choice none the less) Can Shape And Change You.

• ✅There are losses we may not want to get over because doing so seems somehow disrespectful to the experiences, the people, the friendships, relationships and the life we had before we suffered the loss. That all mattered SO MUCH! The loss of these life experiences can change the way we look at life and will, most definitely, teach us that things are not always as they seem and we need to be vigilant and laser focused on looking out for ourselves while still having empathy for others. This is top tier self care people and should be non-negotiable!
• ✅Sometimes these losses can exacerbate anxiety and depression issues that existed before the loss at a much more manageable level. This is NO small problem for those that suffer from these conditions. Having people tell you to get over it for your own good is usually pretty misguided advice. We need to live through it, feel through it and try to find our way out on the other side with our mental health intact and getting better. That is simply not done by pretending to get over it! Which, let’s face it, if it has been a terribly upsetting situation, pretending is exactly what you may be doing. I don’t want to “get over it”, I want to get through it because it is part of who I am now.
• ✅These experiences have the capacity to change us in profound ways. They can make us more aware of what is going on around us, more grounded and intentional and it teaches us the ability to better see people and situations for what they really are, not for what they present themselves to be. Which is a pretty great life skill to have. We don’t see the world in the same naïve way anymore. We still carry the loss, not because we are weak but out of respect for ourselves and the experience. We are not the same and that is not something to “get over”. It is something to honor.

Maybe You Neither Want or Need to Forget!

• ✅Not every chapter in life needs to be closed. It may just need to be set aside. You may not want to forget because what happened really mattered, not just to you but to many others.
• ✅You may not want to forget because remembering what really happened (not what others would like you to believe happened) honors the truth and that is important. All too often in these situations, the truth is elusive at best and that is the way many want it to be! Honesty is powerful and we need to strive for it.
• ✅Forgetting can feel like letting go of something that still holds so much meaning to you and that is OK. You don’t have to forget! Just because you choose not to forget a situation does not mean you still can’t live a full and happy life. You can move forward without forgetting a past that really mattered to you!

Forgiveness

• ✅In many cases, forgiveness may feel dishonest. There is a lot of pressure to forgive, and while it may “seem” like the right thing to do, it is not always right for every person or every situation.
• ✅When deceit, dishonesty and a lack of transparency were part of the equation, forgiving could be a betrayal of your personal values. You don’t want what happened to go unchallenged nor should it.
• ✅Forgiveness may not be something you can easily give if the people involved do not face sufficient consequences or, worse yet, accept no accountability or responsibility for what happened whatsoever. It is always someone else’s fault for some people. Honesty is big part of the forgiveness equation and where honesty does not exist, forgiveness may be hard to find.
• ✅If you had choices stolen from you and if you are still dealing with the personal consequences of the situation, you have no need to forgive. Forgiveness is a personal choice, not a moral duty! Not forgiving does not make you a bad person. It makes you a person who honors yourself and your truth.
• ✅Healing does not require forgiveness, it is possible to move to the other side without it. You can achieve closure through acceptance of the situation, not necessarily forgiveness. Contrary to popular belief, not granting forgiveness in certain situations does NOT hurt you, it honors your truth, your feelings and what is the right choice for you. False or insincere forgiveness helps nobody!
• ✅Not forgiving can be a way to protect your boundaries and protect your peace. It maintains the distance that is needed. It can show that you value yourself enough to not accept mistreatment, being lied to, or being placed in an untenable situation that you neither deserved, contributed to or asked for.

Resolving The Situation In A Way That Honors You

• ✅Resolving these situations and moving through them will look different for everyone. This may mean coming to terms with a situation. It does not mean you are OK with what happened or that it didn’t negatively affect you, it just means that you have come to terms with the fact that it did happen. You are moving on, not “getting over it”.
• ✅”Getting over it” is not only unrealistic for some, it is also unnecessary. You can move on with your life, not by leaving the situation behind you but carrying it with dignity, strength and honesty.
• ✅Coming to terms with a situation does not mean that you approve of it, that you have forgotten it, or that it didn’t negatively affect you. It simply means that you have made peace with the fact that it did happen and you are learning to live with it in a way that honors you and your emotional reality.
• ✅Closure is not something that can or should be forced. You can move forward carrying your memories, learning to live with it not “getting over it”. Some situations will leave a permanent mark and that is OK.

Honoring yourself means feeling everything fully. You can move forward while still allowing your feelings to surface from time to time, even the unpleasant ones. You can and should validate your own experience in your own way without needing other people, no matter how well meaning, to understand it or approve of how you choose to handle it . It is valid to say “I am still not OK with what happened. lt is valid to let yourself grieve on your own timeline, not anybody else’s. It is valid to recognize that you may not ever forgive or forget. That does not make you weak, that makes you human. You don’t need to just “get over it”, you need to learn to live with it, you need to grow and be happy and thankful for the things and people in your life that bring you joy.

It’s time to stop asking people if they have “gotten over it yet” and start asking them how they are carrying it and how you can help. That is where real compassion, healing and empathy lies.